When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
