i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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