every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
