I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
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