Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
