I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
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