I never want to see another naked old woman again.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
