Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
