You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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