i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
