I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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