I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
