he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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