My first STD was from a foam party
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize
