Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
