There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize
