I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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