Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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