Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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