I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
two words...techno handjob
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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