Christians are straight up FREAKS
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
