Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
