Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
