I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Randomize
