The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Randomize