So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I think my moral compass just broke
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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