hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
