Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
