I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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