so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
