You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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