Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
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