when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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