I think I died a long time ago.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
