I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
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