Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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