My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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