y did u give ur computer a hand job?
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
