There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
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