Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
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