OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
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