Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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