can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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