dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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