When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
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