I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Randomize