I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
