I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
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