If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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