I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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