I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
