Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Randomize
