All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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