just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
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