Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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