I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Randomize
