i don't plan on having that self control this summer
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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