Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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