Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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