now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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