I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
