defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
